Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Eagles credit Gritty's fiery pregame 'speech' for victory over Rams

Los Angeles--Yes, that was Gritty, the Flyers wacky new mascot, on the Eagles' sideline at the Memorial Coliseum on Sunday night. The Orange blob of hair was personally invited to the game by head coach Doug Pederson in an effort to 'spark the team to victory.' "I was just about to address the team before taking the field and coach told me to 'zip it' because we have a special guest here in LA," said QB Nick Foles. "All of the sudden Gritty walks in and just gives a very intense and inspiring routine...without saying a word. Guys were going nuts." Pederson stood in the corner of the locker room and took in the scene. "I was amped up," said the coach. "Gritty came in and you should have seen the faces on the players. Gritty's eyes said it all when they moved independently of each other: go out there and beat the Rams and keep your season alive. Be wacky and wild." Several players said their kids were going to be very jealous. Pederson laughed during the postgame press conference when he revealed that the bright orange mascot was actually on the flight with the team to LA, but was wearing a disguise so that no one would recognize him. "He had an exit row seat," said the coach, "and was wearing glasses and a fake mustache."

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Year in Review: Amazon announces same-day delivery on exact model dartboard used to pick HQ2 locations

Seattle, Washington--In November, after nearly a year of anticipation and lengthy analysis, Amazon announced that the popular Winmau Blade 5 Bristle Dartboard with all-new thinner wiring for higher scoring and reduced bounce-outs would be eligible for same-day delivery. This is the exact same model dartboard approved by Amazon CEO Jeff Bazos and used by the unpaid Amazon interns responsible for selecting the site(s) of the company's new corporate headquarters--nicknamed HQ2. The reduced bounce-outs and improved dart deflection with 30-degree reduction in razor wire angle helped the giant online retailer more efficiently choose locations for an estimated 50,000 total workers. "Less bounce-outs means quicker decision making," said one intern. "One of the darts we threw landed right on the line between Long Island City [NYC] and Crystal City, Virginia. Really, I swear. So, naturally, we went with both locations for a new headquarters." Bazos bragged that there were over four rounds of darts tossed to determine the final cities chosen for HQ2. He also vehemently denied that there was no "do over" when the final dart thrown landed on Tucson, Arizona. "Tucson did well in the dart tournament, but New York [City] and [Washington] DC won fair and square," Bezos added.