A satirical look at the Philadelphia region and beyond.
(All stories are fabricated, with no basis on fact.)
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
To ensure skateboarding in new Paine's Skatepark, Mayor bans skateboarding
Philadelphia--Moments after Mayor Michael Nutter cut the ribbon opening the highly anticipated Paine's Skatepark near the Philadelphia Museum of Art, the city's leader did a 180 and banned skating anywhere on the premises. "Today, we open a great skatepark that finally gives the dedicated skating community a first-class facility to perform their craft. So, it is with great pleasure that I now officially ban skating in any portion of this park," announced Nutter to an utterly stunned crowd. "Now, folks, bare with me for a second. My team of advisers has spent a lot of time analyzing the consequences of this decision. We feel that by banning skating in Paine's Skatepark it will only ensure that the new skatepark is heavily used by skaters. So, keep out, but, you know, enjoy!" The park's founders were very confused by what had just transpired at the podium. "I think I get the strategy of the mayor's decision but not really," said one park official. "Yeah, to be honest, not really at all."