A satirical look at the Philadelphia region and beyond. (All stories are fabricated, with no basis on fact.)
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Cactus mistaken for really tall, cooperative illegal immigrant
Somewhere near Douglas, Arizona—In the southern Arizona desert, near the Mexican border, Tom Russel quietly slid a walkie-talkie from his holster to call for backup. Russel had spotted what appeared to be a person illegally crossing the border into the United States.
It was Russel's first shift working solo and only his sixth day on the job as a U.S. Border patrolman. First year patrolmen are not usually asked to work alone, but recent crossings near Organ Pipe National Monument, some 200 miles to the west, demanded additional patrolmen from the Douglas base.
The patrolman first saw the apparent border crosser about an hour before sunrise. Until then Russel, situated about 20 yards away, was locked in a standoff when the person refused to lie down as standard Border Patrol procedure requires.
"At first I was like this guy is really cooperating," said Russel, an embarrassed rookie patrolman. "I thought he must have heard me coming because his hands were already in the air and he was as still as can be. But then he wouldn't lie down when I told him to."
It was not until sunrise that the officer realized he was attempting to negotiate with and apprehend a cactus for the past hour.
Two days after the incident Russel was reassigned to the Canadian border where he will spend a year in Sherwood, North Dakota questioning Americans returning with pharmaceuticals, hunting catches and higher alcohol content beer.
"I've never been north of Tucson," answered Russel when asked whether he looked forward to his new assignment.
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