Guy who leads Iceland just flat out embarrassed

Island country places giant nicotine Patch on volcano, enormous ashtray in middle of ocean

Above: A giant nicotine patch has been placed on the side of the Iceland volcano that has been erupting for several days. The patch has not slowed the smoke, soot or ash.

Reykjavik, Iceland--The President of Iceland is thoroughly embarrassed about the volcano in his country that has been spewing smoke and ash into the atmosphere and creating global disruption for the past several days. The jet stream has carried volcanic debris over the Atlantic Ocean to Europe where it has practically brought the commercial airline industry of the continent to a halt.

"This is just so embarrassing," said President Olafur Ragnar Grimsson, pulling his suit jacket up over his face to conceal his identity. "I mean, you talk about the most embarrassing thing that could ever happen ... to anyone."

The Prime Minister of Norway, Jens Stoltenberg, has been stranded in Newark's Liberty International Airport for two days after a visit to the United Nations and has been growing more frustrated by the minute.

"I called Olafur [Iceland's President] and I was like what the hell is going on up there," said Stoltenberg, sitting next to several empty Auntie Anne's Pretzel bags and a mound of new cellphone covers. "He's pretty embarrassed, but that doesn't fix the fact that I had a whole ice fishing/cross-country skiing/ski jumping trip planned this weekend with some old college buddies. It's just rotten. How am I going to tell Lars Keggington, Dances with Kegs or Lillehammered that I won't be able to make it? Tell me that."

So ashamed is Iceland, that the small country has issued an "Ashtray Tax" and a "Patch Tax" on its just over 300,000 residents. The tax was used to construct and deliver an oversized ashtray to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and affix a large nicotine patch to the slopes of the volcano.

The ashtray, with a radius of 950 miles, was built last night and put in place this morning with the help of 500 military cargo helicopters borrowed from the United States and Canada. The patch was also placed using helicopters and, later, large pieces of Nicoderm gum were dropped inside the volcano. Nothing has worked.

At first, Grimsson called for all of Iceland's smokers, that were currently using the patch to quit, to donate their supply to the government for this extreme situation. The country's leaders quickly realized that this effort would not be enough to combat the volcano and outsourced the design and construction of a giant patch to nearby Greenland. These same leaders later admitted to watching the movie Patch Adams for ideas on how to build this powerful nicotine patch.

"Just when I thought we couldn't suffer any further embarrassment," said a distraught Grimsson. "We construct a ridiculously-oversized ashtray and patch and ... they don't even work. I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."

The ashtray, which broke away from its countless anchors soon after being positioned, appears to be on a collision course with Portugal.

"Finally, some good news," said Grimsson. "It's Portugal's problem now."

Portugal, which has one of the world's highest concentrations of cigarette smokers, does not appear to be concerned about the mass headed toward its shores.Above: A satellite photo of volcanic soot, ash and smoke carried by winds from Iceland over the Atlantic Ocean to Europe. Iceland has placed a giant ashtray in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, which has been a colossal failure.