Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Document found near Eagles' practice facility calls for 'Voltron approach to free agency'

South Philadelphia--The 32-page document, titled "The Voltron Approach to Free Agency," outlines the franchise's planned approach to signing free agents for the next several offseasons. The paper was found Monday morning on the sidewalk in front of the NovaCare Complex, the team's practice facility, by a fan who turned it over immediately to a local news outlet. "I hang out down by the facility quite a bit," said the fan, who wanted to remain anonymous. "I was riding my bike on the sidewalk, which I know I shouldn't do, and I looked down and saw this manilla envelop with the Eagles logo on it and I knew this had to be something good. An Eagles official probably set it on the roof of their car and then drove off." The plan, written by Howie Roseman, calls for avoiding big-name free agents, but instead urges signing lesser-known free agents; then, join them together to form one "huge and powerful" free agent. "I didn't read the entire thing but on the second page it gets into how to combine the free agents into one player using duct tape and Play-doh," said the fan. Using the Voltron giant super robot as inspiration, the document suggests five players can successfully form one player using "careful balance, unprecedented teamwork, and copious amounts of duct tape." The Birds have thus far stuck to the plan, signing seven free agents, none being of the big-name variety.

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