Tuesday, April 28, 2009

White House: 'Flyby was scheduled for April 1st.'


New York City received quite a scare yesterday when a 747 jetliner flew unnecessarily close to the Manhattan skyline while being closely pursued by two fighter jets. The plane, as it turns out, was Air Force One, however,President Obama was not on board.

The low-flying jet sent paranoid office workers and commuters into the already crowded streets where individuals prepared for the very worst.

"I really thought we were in for another horrible day," said Freddie Salmon, a downtown office worker employed near the Battery. "We all evacuated the building and stared into the sky. I mean really stared."

The White House released a statement saying that the Manhattan flyover was originally scheduled for April 1st as a prank, but that the original memo calling for the stunt was "caught up in other paperwork."

Pilots, receiving the memo late, were only told that it was for a public relations photo op and decided to carry out the plan despite its almost one month tardiness.

We recognize the seriousness of this incident and want to apologize profusely to the understanding citizens and workers of New York City. We in no way set out to alarm residents today, but sought to alarm residents almost four weeks ago on April 1st.

Had the fly over occurred on its intended date of April Fool's Day we would not be apologizing, but would be accepting congratulations for a prank well done. It is our belief that New Yorkers would have found such a stunt clever and, eventually, comical after creating only minor hysteria. The intern responsible for the misplaced memo has been terminated.


New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg tried desperately to contact Chesley Sullenberger, the Hudson River water pilot hero, for advice on how to handle the incident.

"I called Sully, but there was no answer," said Bloomberg, who also claims to have tweeted the highly celebrated pilot several times yesterday. "He's been avoiding my calls, but I genuinely felt this was a legitimate reason to call."

Yesterday, Air Force One flew under the spans of several East River bridges including the Brooklyn Bridge and Williamsburg Bridge. This was after the jetliner nearly touched down in Central Park and came within inches of both the Chrysler and Empire State Buildings.

Then in a daring maneuver, after turning west toward New Jersey, the plane flew between the financial district's skyscrapers to enter the Holland Tunnel and emerged over the Garden State seconds later.

"When I saw Air Force One fly into the Holland Tunnel I knew it was a prank," said Harriet Wilson,55, a Port Authority worker. "Others were still worried, but I knew only Air Force One could do something like that."

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