Opponents of new Manhattan skyscraper say it will confuse giant apes

New York, NY--A proposed new skyscraper in Midtown Manhattan (center of picture) will be only 34 feet shorter than the Empire State Building (left) when completed. Many, including the owners of the iconic structure that has defined Midtown's skyline since 1931, are upset about the new building's close proximity. The frustration stems from confusing one of the city's largest and most dangerous visitors. "Let's just say that a large ape returns to the city one day," said Frank Dunmiller, managing director of the ESB. "This ape knows the Empire State Building from instinct. Therefore, placing another skyscraper of such stature close by will only confuse the beast. Do we really want a confused, giant ape running through the streets of New York? Or do we want a slightly less confused ape? I'll take the slightly less confused one." A vote last week approved the structure, and, some say, the fate of the city. "We're all doomed now! Doomed I tell you," shouted Mayor Michael Bloomberg at a press conference soon after the vote was announced. "You all just wait and see what happens the next time an enormous ape comes and terrorizes the city. We're going to have to dip seriously into my fund now." Bloomberg was referring to the King Kong Defense Fund, a monetary reserve, started last year, to assist in protection from and cleanup after gigantic ape visits to Manhattan.