Miami, FL--The Carnival Corporation announced today that all passengers aboard the Costa Concordia that ran aground off the coast of Italy on January 13 would be generously compensated in the form of "rare" action figures from the popular late 1970's and early 80's television show The Love Boat.
"The figures are valued at over $200 a piece, so ..." said Howard Newman, Carnival's vice president of customer satisfaction and relations. "There weren't very many [figures] made, but we found about 3,500 of them to distribute among our loyal, really cool passengers. I mean, we have the coolest passengers ... ever."
These passengers, after signing a document forfeiting any future right to pursue legal action against the cruise line, will enjoy the full figurine set that includes: Captain Stubing, Vicki, Isaac, Gopher, Julie and Doc.
"I feel like it's pretty fair compensation," said Brad Geiss, 39, from Silver Springs, MD, the neurologist was traveling on the ship with his new wife, Gloria. "I heard rumors of cash, but honestly I'm a big collector and this kind of stuff gets me very excited. Isn't that right, honey?"
"I bought Gopher and Doc back in 1985--they came in the same pack for a limited time--so I'm good with those two. I just need the other four to complete my set. This is awesome! Carnival really came through," said Jessica Smith, 42, of Dalesville, MA. "Carnival ruined my honeymoon but totally made up for it with these action figures. I'm signing that document."
The Costa Concordia had travelers from nearly 60 different countries when it capsized near Tuscany. How will callous promises of plastic toy models from a long ago American television show be eagerly accepted as compensation from such an international, traumatized audience?
"Well, to be quite honest, we think Captain Stubing had a very ... international appeal," added Newman. "Plus, look, the hats on each figurine are removable. I didn't know that until just right now. That's kind of cool."