A satirical look at the Philadelphia region and beyond.
(All stories are fabricated, with no basis on fact.)
Saturday, December 7, 2013
All part of the plan? Temple surprisingly adds men's and women's indoor parkour day after cuts
A day after Temple University cut seven intercollegiate sports programs, board members attempted to appease the harsh critics of the move by adding two programs. This morning, university president Neil D. Theobald announced the addition of men's and women's indoor parkour, along with plans for a state-of-the-art indoor parkour facility. "Yesterday was a difficult day for the Temple community, there's no doubt about it," said a sullen president referring to the elimination of the seven athletic programs. "[Board members] knew there would be a lot of heat for making such a difficult decision. So, today, it is with great pleasure that I announce the addition of men's and women's indoor parkour teams to begin competition in the fall of 2015. We think this more than makes up for the loss of the other programs." The president also made clear that all student athletes affected by the cuts are "more than welcome to tryout for the parkour team." Also during the news conference, the university, surprisingly, unveiled elaborate renderings for a $3 million parkour facility designed by Interphase PK Studio to be constructed in a yet to be determined site on the west side of Broad Street. "I was devastated when I heard the news that rowing was cut," said sophomore rower Jessica Graham. "I am unfamiliar with parkour, but I guess it will be fun to attend those matches or games or whatever you call them. The addition of parkour definitely makes a crappy situation better." It has long been reported that Temple has been "on a mission" to get into the "very lucrative world" of collegiate parkour and the huge television revenue associated with the sport.