Philadelphia Sixems? Desperate for revenue, Eastern Mountain Sports to sponsor fledgling team

Philadelphia, PA--Until now, most of North America's major professional sports leagues have avoided placing direct advertising on players' jerseys. Instead, leagues like the NFL and NBA have opted for more game-interrupting television commercials than to "ruin the integrity of the game." This long run of pristine uniforms, however, is about to come to an abrupt end.

With thousands of empty seats in the Wells Fargo Center during each Sixers' home game and perennially looking up at all the teams in the Atlantic Division standings, the 76ers, with approval of the National Basketball Association, have accepted a large sum of money from Eastern Mountain Sports (EMS), a New Hampshire-based outdoor apparel and recreation equipment retailer, to display the company's logo, and, at the same time, change the name of the team.

The club will officially change its name to the Philadelphia 76ems, or Sixems, tomorrow during a news conference.

"All that we're really doing is replacing the 'r' with an 'm'," said Debra Papadakis, the Sixems president of marketing. "It's pronounced just like it's spelled: Six-ems. Not Six-e-m-s, but Sixems. It's kind of catchy. Go Sixems!"

"Hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do," said Sixems head coach, Doug Collins. "I will always bleed Sixems red, white and blue."

"I've been a huge Sixems fan my whole life," said Doug Glonovich, 57, from Marcus Hook, PA, sporting a new camping headlamp. "If this deal means that winning ways are just over the horizon, than I'm all for it. Let EMS light up the way."

The league has been concerned for years about the direction of this once storied franchise that hasn't captured a championship since 1983, but has had such greats as Wilt Chamberlain, Julius Erving, Bobby Jones, Charles Barkley and Allen Iverson, to name a few, wear the red, white and blue (or, sadly, gold and black).

"The Sixems are a struggling franchise right now," said NBA Commissioner David Stern, donning a North Face Men's Nuptse Down Jacket inside a climate-controled conference room at the league's headquarters in New York. "In fact, this jacket has high loft goose down, which has a longer lifespan than most synthetic insulations. Not to mention, the miniripstop 50-denier nylon shell coupled with the double-layer taffeta on the shoulders for abrasion resistance."

The commissioner appeared truly concerned about the sad state of the club as his press conference continued. "This parka features a straighter yoke across the chest and a markedly improved, more flattering fit. It conveniently has a taffeta emergency hood and sports an internal zip stow pocket."

Emotions, surprisingly, started flowing from the league's headman as he paused for nearly a minute, gathering himself at the podium. "This jacket also has two hand pockets, velcro adjustable cuff tabs, hem cinch-cord and is zip-in compatible with many TNF shells. It thrives in cold weather conditions and is made with 700-fill goose down."