A satirical look at the Philadelphia region and beyond. (All stories are fabricated, with no basis on fact.)
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Texas finally cracking down on guns: New legislation would prevent gun vending machines from accepting credit cards
Austin, TX--Protesters rallying outside the Texas State Capitol last week were outraged over a proposed bill that would prevent makers of gun vending machines from installing credit card payment technology in the state's existing fleet of nearly 65,000 gun machines. The Six Flag government says passing this bill would be a "huge" step in the right direction, Lone Star residents, however, disagree. "I never thought I would see Texas take such a strong stand against guns," said Arthur Thomas (R), 56, a state lawmaker representing the Texas panhandle area, about banning the convenient payment method. "If Texas can pass this law, and I think they will, it would show the rest of the country what gun control is all about. This would be a major victory." Attached to the bill--and a significant sticking point for the many Texans opposed--is the requirement for users of the vending machines to wear bulletproof vests when making purchases. Why? Well, for many years, a serious problem with the machines has been when customers choose a gun model from one of the upper shelves. The long drop to the bottom often causes the loaded firearm to accidentally discharge upon impact. Incredibly, in 2012 alone, these incidental firings injured 3,485 and killed 47 people. Why not just sell the weapons unloaded? "No way," said Thomas. "Listen, I am for gun control, but selling unloaded firearms is just stupid, it makes no sense. It's a Texan's right. Next, you'll tell me we should ban guns altogether."
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