A satirical look at the Philadelphia region and beyond. (All stories are fabricated, with no basis on fact.)
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Sosa partners with Schmidt to provide cork for wine
Mike Schmidt revealed today that Sammy Sosa has joined the Hall of Fame third baseman in creating 'Schmidt 548,' his new wine that will arrive in state stores this coming weekend. Schmidt chose the name not only because it is his favorite number but because it represents his career homerun total.
Sosa will provide cork for one in ten bottles sold from his vast bat collection. Cork, when inserted into a bat, is believed to help baseballs travel further upon contact.
When asked why he partnered with Schmidt instead of launching his own line of wine Sosa replied,"Es goo to av epardner dat ace goo. Schmitty goo."
Schmidt described the partnership as strictly a way into the greater Chicago-land wine market where Sosa walked on the Lake Michigan water not all that long ago. And to a lesser extent the greater Baltimore area where Sosa spent one season. Although he also spent a couple of seasons in Texas the two agreed wine would not sell in the lonestar state.
"He's got all this cork and it's just all lying around and I got to thinking. What I came up with was this," said a glowing Schmidt, referring to the cork partnership.
The cork will be removed from the bats and turned into wine corks with the de-corkenator, an expensive, highly sensitive instrument made by Corkton Inc. in Lewisburg, PA.
Some may remember the machine's debut seven years ago when Corky, the star from TV's Life Goes On, appeared in commercials for MLB warning players not to use cork. "Don't you dare use cork, oo blah dee blah da!"
Schmidt is excited about the partnership and did not appear disappointed that he could not reach an agreement with Mark Maguire (Bay Area and St Louis) or Jose Canseco (Bay Area). "It didn't happen so I moved on, even if it would have satisfied our cork need for some time."
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