Millions suffering from PTVD: Post-Traumatic Vuvuzela Disorder

Above: Bob Miller, who suffers from PTVD, attempts to prepare for an important work meeting while horns blare.

Wilmington, DE--From June 11 to July 11 this year, the globe's nearly 7 billion people were treated to the best soccer on the planet at the World Cup in South Africa. The frenzied nationalism that accompanies the tournament heightens the experience and enthusiasm of fanatics around the world. Enthusiasm, more often than not this year, shown with a horn.

Bob Miller hasn't had a solid night's sleep since June 10, 2010. This was the insurance salesman's last night in the U.S. before leaving on a 1:30 PM flight to Cape Town, South Africa from BWI Airport the following day. Admittedly not a huge soccer fan, Miller was joining a group of college buddies for a ten day excursion/reunion to see the world's game up close, to experience, first hand, the sights, smells, tastes and sounds of the game. Miller, and millions of others, were not adequately prepared for the sounds part.

"I had heard of the vuvuzela before going, but, honestly, I didn't realize it was a South African tradition," said the Delaware resident about the long, plastic horn that hails from the southern tip of the continent. "Nor did I have any clue about its volume, both in sound and in numbers."

Miller went on to describe the noise as "deafening" but said it was part of the game there and fans were not so concerned of the long-term effects.

"When you're there at the games, sure, the horns are loud and bothersome, but it's not as noticeable because you're caught up in the excitement in each city and each stadium."

But, since returning home from visits to South Africa, or simply finding other programming to watch on the television since the tournament ended, the horns have not stopped: for millions worldwide.

"It's been almost two months, but I hear the vuvuzela every minute of every day," said Greg Baker of Leadville, CO, who traveled to South Africa to catch several games in person. "I haven't seen a vuvuzela or heard one since the tournament concluded, and yet, I hear it all the time."

"He's been extremely irritable, always telling the kids to stop blowing those f__ing horns. He's become very fond of yelling the insult, 'I'll show you where to cram that vuvuzela' to anyone," said Baker's wife Sally, "even to our minister."

"Not only do I hear horns, which I can sort of understand, but I see the fans resting on my shoulders and playing them," said Miller. "That part I don't understand."

The condition of persistent ringing in the ears is commonly known as tinnitus, but the constant sound of a popular South African horn--and the hallucination of miniature fans playing them--is new to the medical world. Doctors are at a complete loss when it comes to properly treating the strange disorder.

"I just tell patients with PTVD to drink more water and take a couple aspirin," said Dr Chelsea Ross of Wilmington General Hospital. "But, honestly, that's a remedy I just made up one day. I really don't know how to combat PTVD or what its causes are."

Kathy Kim, 31, is a yoga instructor in Providence, RI, and, generally, not a sports fan by any definition. How then does Kim, who relates watching soccer to jamming rusty metal shims under her fingernails, suffer from PTVD?

"I was asked to go to a party this summer, which turned out to be a cookout for the USA-Ghana game--had I known I would have refused the invite--and I literally saw 30 seconds of the match. The horns have not stopped playing in my head since then. It's so loud that I'm worried the sound is upsetting my students' practice."

Samuel Trumbauer, 28, is a violinist for the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, he is a self-proclaimed soccer nut that was, unfortunately, unable to make the long trek to South Africa during the Windy City's break from the cold. The first-seat musician in his group, a ranking that requires endless practice hours to secure, however, was able to watch all 64 matches of the World Cup on ESPN and ABC.

"There's a price for watching every minute of every game. I can't play violin right now. I've had to take time away from the orchestra," said a trembling Trumbauer. "I see these guys playing the vuvuzela on my shoulder all the time. At first, I got really into trying to play in harmony with the [vuvuzela] guys. Then, I began trying to play along with them ... during my symphony concerts. Not good."

Estimated medical costs for those suffering are expected to surpass $700 million by the end of the year. The South African government has pledged $10 million to help with this staggering price tag.

"We really don't feel that we are responsible for any of this," shouted Clinton Van Dorn, a government official rumored to be suffering from PTVD himself, but repeatedly denies the reports. "However, we would like for fans to remember South Africa fondly."