A satirical look at the Philadelphia region and beyond. (All stories are fabricated, with no basis on fact.)
Monday, March 31, 2008
Usher from Sec. 826: 'Opening Day always means I got 80 more of these *&^%$*& things to go.'
Citizens Bank Park usher Don Fezzer,93, of Section 826, has been showing people to their seats in Philadelphia since Louisiana was a territory. "I hate it. I hate coming to the park. I hate the traffic. I gotta stand the entire nine innings and listen to drunkards. Opening Day always means I got 80 more of these ******* things."
Fezzer hails from the Port Richmond neighborhood of Philadelphia where he has lived all of his life. His wife Gail,91, of seventy years, often comes to the games and knits one of their eight great-grand children a sweater vest. "I like to come and just sit and knit," said Gail Fezzer.
Don no longer makes the trek up the steps to show people which row is theirs. "I just point up the steps and then they just sort of go up the steps and look at the numbers. I always see them looking down at the ground and I forget they are reading the row numbers."
Fezzer was never a baseball fan and in fact loathed the sport. "I hate baseball. All kinds of fans will try to talk baseball with me and ask what are my greatest memories and I tell them when the final out comes with each game is the best time. They say, 'where were you when this happened and where were you when that happened' and I say, 'unfortunately, I was watching.'"
When the Phillies played in the stadium known as the Baker Bowl in North Philadelphia, Fezzer was there. When they moved several blocks into Connie Mack Stadium, Fezzer was there. And when they moved south into Veterans Stadium, Fezzer was there. "I've seen a lot of baseball, but I can honestly say that I have no idea what a double-play is."
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