Tuesday, April 1, 2008

City introduces hemorrhoid-friendly benches

The Fairmount Park Commission has introduced several hemorrhoid-friendly benches throughout the park's Kelly Drive corridor. The nation's largest urban park is slightly behind other large cities such as Los Angeles, Detroit and Seattle when it comes to the interest of the hemorrhoid-inflicted. "We're not the first, butt(he laughs) we should've gotten our asses in gear a while ago," said FPC director Sean Hamstein.

The 9,200 acre park system's director wants to install 300 of these benches before the end of the year in addition to the four that currently line the Schuylkill River. If this number is reached it would give the city the most rear-friendly seats in the country. "We would be the unquestionable leader in this movement," said Hamstein.

Are the benches comfortable? "I love them," said jogger, Carolyn Mendez,"they bring me back to the time when I was able to sit comfortably all the time. I actually just ordered two from the city."

"Freakin' awesome," said park enthusiast Stan Vinstill. Vinstill, as most who frequent the park, thought that the benches were the work of vandals. "It's a revolutionary idea and it really appears as if the bench was vandalized."

Hamstein wanted to stress to the public that though the benches are designed for certain folks that they can and should be enjoyed by all. "It's not as if the FP police will come up and ask to see your hemorrhoids if you're sitting on the benches. So sit back, relax and enjoy." He also noted that sometime in the future that bench users may be asked to carry a type of hemorrhoid identification card.

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