Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Old Staples store to be razed by giant staple remover

The Staples Superstore in Cherry Hill, New Jersey recently relocated to a newer, larger store several miles down Route 73. The company claimed that the original site was much too small for the booming national office supply retailer.

"If I was able to snap my fingers I would because that's how quickly we are growing. In fact we are doing so well that I could hire an assistant that would solely be in charge of snapping for me," said Staples CEO, Valerie Fromzen.

What will become of the old site, home to the South Jersey Staples for over five years? "We're going to knock it down and put up something real nice-like," said Cherry Hill borough council chief, Dexter Hollis.

The demolition company that is awarded the razing contract will have to adhere to Staples' policy of using a giant staple remover to complete the task. "It's a tradition we have here at Staples," said Fromzen. "Whenever a store leaves our family we feel this is the proper way to say goodbye."

Staples owns four of the giant staple removers with one stationed in each of the four time zones in the lower 48 states. Staples leases the removers to the demolition companies when a former store is to be leveled. Only five of the behemoth monster-like removers exist on the planet and the only one not owned by Staples was deactivated by the military almost three years ago.

Consider It Flattened is a Tacony, Philadelphia demo company considered to be the front runner to land the Staples contract. When asked how they would handle the enormous remover company president, Tom "Bear Hug" Poznuzski responded: "Lot's of cables, a hand full of really big rubber bands and some synchronized jumping."

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